Poison & Goals

I feel disgusting! It's time to detox, & no it's not going to be some quick over the counter fix, I'm talking wholefoods & H2O... I'm very holistic with my food, I eat to nourish & fuel but the holiday/ birthday season is over and it's time to take in the reigns. My stomach feels tight, bloated & uncomfortable I need to get back to basics my body is demanding that time is now and honestly so are my clothes.

I'm writing this after drinking 3/4 of a 2010 Yerling Station Pinot Noir, a bottle that should of been left for a dinner with friends but came out on a night home alone.

Old Dayna use to drink to get drunk, use wine to self medicate, I shut out the thoughts I didn't want to confront & in turn mellow the brain. I don't mind alcohol on a social level a bottle of wine between friends over a meal is good for the soul but when it's outside of this it can get out of control. As kids we have the social skills to attend events, drive conversation with family, acqaintances & strangers without any external forces. Turn of legal age & events become awkward, conversation seems forced without the stimuli of alcohol.

In the last 21 months I have learnt a lot about myself and my relationship with alcohol and I think we have come to a good mutual understanding. Some days it's hard to walk the line when it had been a crutch for so long and it's taking what seems forever to reprogram the 'I deserve this' self talk. In the beginning of my 12WBT journey I use to go out of my mind on a Friday night no bottle or two of red to zone out of the week thats been. That was until I then found a healthy replacement running, oh the mind games we used to play till we all know how that story ended.

I am trying to set goals again, it's hard we have been here before. I set myself up with what I believe is a realistic goal at the time it has what seems to be good timelines & toll gates
but my knee comes out to disagree. I feel stronger, my knee is stronger (I have less episodes) but it always here to remind me.
I still can't do lower body workouts, I'm not allowed to twist my body while feet are planted so that's boxing eliminated, cycling it all depends on the day generally I can't exceed 50km before the pain sets in.

All the literature you read about goal setting is coming to terms with who/where you are today and who/where you want to be. How do you do this when you want to be the person you were 14 months ago and currently have no ability to control becoming that person again?

My goal just can't be a number on the scale we all know we can't define ourselves by that especially when I already suffer from body dysmorphia and not being able to see the 30kgs difference & what was 40kgs difference 14 months ago in the mirror. All previous goal setting was centered around physical activity & number achievements and I'm not the fuzzy type who wants to set goals about feelings so where to go, what to do?

With no goals but a number Monday I'm starting the #100Healthydays project. It's about what it means to me each day about being healthy Mind, Body, Spirit & by the end I'm hoping I am closer to my goal weight & knowing how I want to define my worth. I'll be running this project on instagram and here so pre-warning on the amount of posts that are coming your way.

Monday also is the commencement of living Sugar, Dairy & Wheat/Gluten free. I will eat 12wbt meals that follow these principals and introducing new ones from Lola Berry. Something in my life needs a shake up and I'm hoping this is what will kickstart losses on the scale again. I've been eating 12wbt, I've also increased my calories, I've changed up what exercise I do with no results so I'm taking responsibility that everything that enters my body is now a wholefood, within portion size & forgetting about though pesky critters we call calories.
With new endeavors comes new toys hello Spirelli can't wait to make zucchini pasta with you OmNomNom

I'm also booking into an Osteopath & Bowen Therapy. I've tried Manipulation, Sports Therapy, Surgeons, Physiotherapy & Personal Training and whats two more that may get me closer to recovery and seriously if they are going to hike up my private health insurance premiums I should try and get some value out of it.

Time to close off the mind & sleep...

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